


Lyrium Fragments

by Sylvantess



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Canon-Related General Plot, Canon-related Dialogue, Companionship, Digression, F/M, Family Loss, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Fulfilling Plot, Humor, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Inspired by Fanart, Inspired by Music, Memory Loss, POV First Person, Romance, Secret Identity, Smut, True Love, Vignette, non-canon relationships, plenty of dialogue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-07-15 11:35:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7220710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylvantess/pseuds/Sylvantess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She believed that he was forever lost to her. Fate had other plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dark Side of the Moon

**Author's Note:**

> Best consumed after playing the game. If you hadn't played the game, many references may end up unexplained.

The Alienage was comfortably desolate as we ran back to the place where we had previously met with Anso. Varric was muttering abundant curses under his breath; I could have hardly blamed him, since we were chasing coin left and right for the expedition and we couldn't exactly afford stupid complications, let alone failures such as this. Nevertheless, I had a feeling that complications were inevitable, especially considering the overall mess of this damnable city.

As we were approaching the exit to Lowtown, another soldier ran up to us from that direction. He wore the same armor as the bastards which we had previously killed off, only this one seemed more boastful.

We halted in unison, as did he and pointed furiously at us, "You made a terrible mistake by involving yourself!

"Are you working for the templars?", I asked, already irked by the situation.

"What templars!?", he spat. "Lieutenant, I want everyone in the clearing, now!"

He half-turned, and we automatically braced for another incoming attack.

However, instead of the supposed backup which he had announced, only one soldier came from around the corner...staggered forth, actually, while bleeding profusely.

"Captain...", the man slurred through the blood in his mouth and then fell down like a log, never to move again.

Before any of us had a chance to react, another man followed from the same direction. He leisurely bypassed the fresh corpse and strolled by the stupefied Captain as if he was a lamppost.

"Your men are dead", the man said in a deep, calm voice. "I suggest you scurry back to your master while you have the chance."

"You are going nowhere, slave", the Captain gritted out and grabbed the enigmatic man by the shoulder.

The man turned so quickly, his movement was a blur. A bluish glow engulfed his whole body as he lifted his arm and pointed it at Captain's chest. The arm speared through Captain's body, releasing a cacophony of hissing and crunching noises, while the pulverized man gurgled blood and his eyes rolled backwards showing their whites. The slayer then retracted his arm and Captain's lifeless body crumbled down in the dirt.

While the peculiar glow was quickly fading out, I noticed a strange pattern of intricate lines which were obviously the source of this strange light, encompassing the man's entire body and even shining through his armor.

"That was...wow", Isabela said, half-amused and half-incredulous.

"Handy?", Varric supplemented.

"I thought the same thing", Anders chuckled.

I shook off and facepalmed at their, at the very least, casual reaction to the hauntingly vicious murder that had just taken part right in front of them. I wasn't really grossed out myself, just more self-conscious about the tricky situation.

When you're bestowed by the position of a leader it demands having a certain sense of responsibility and the air of cool confidence, although that attitude had always come to me as something natural. Sometimes it was damn hard not to giggle at my companions' banters, which they usually carried out regardless of the timing.

I wasn't in the mood now, however.

The strange man stood several paces away from our group, next to Captain's body, and probably observed us with a deservedly baffled expression. I wasn't able to discern his features because the spot where he stood was shrouded in shadows. Well, he's male - that much was clear judging by his unmistakably manly, gravelly voice...which had actually sent weird tremors down my spine when he spoke. For a moment there I thought that it sounded familiar.

And then he spoke again.

"I apologize. Anso's information was mostly correct, but I didn't expect the hunters to be so numerous", he spoke carefully, as he walked slowly towards us and into the scarce light of a nearby lantern and sharp moonlight.

 _I know that voice_ , I stressed inwardly, as I felt my body rapidly petrifying from the incoming shock. _No... It can't be._

But I couldn't disbelieve my ears...nor my eyes.

The man came into the light and we could all see him clearly. His entire attire was dark, leaning to black. He wore scale cuirass that snugly hugged his torso, with feather-shaped spikes accenting his athletic shoulders. His arms were elbow-deep in gauntlets which ended in claws on his fingers. I noticed that the gauntlets were only covering the back of his hands, leaving his palms bare, palms which were patterned in those strange markings that shone the bluish light earlier. His lower body was wrapped in studded leather pants, hooked to his feet by leather loops. His feet were bare, as most elves preferred...for he too is an elf. A tall, strongly built elf, which is unusual for their lithe race. His complexion was tanned, offsetting the pearly-white markings which netted his skin like veiny tattoos. His completely white hair had generously added to the overall haunting impression.

That white hair used to be black and long, in comparison to roughly cut semi-short that was now. The shadows beneath his bangs and frowning jet brows couldn't offer the insight to the color of his eyes, but I knew anyway that they were deep green like a mountain lake. I sincerely hoped that at least that part of him had remained the same.

Cold and hot waves had mercilessly lashed my body from inside as I stood petrified, staring at him.

"My name is Fenris", he announced.

That information had somewhat shook me from stupor.

"These men were sent to reclaim a lost property...namely myself. My former master was Danarius, a magister of the Tevinter Imperium. I was his slave, his bodyguard, his foot stool if he wished to. I ran away three years ago and I've been chased ever since."

"Ouch", I heard Anders behind me.

As a matter of fact, 'ouch' didn't even begin to cover it.

The puzzle was quickly pieced together in my mind after what...'Fenris' had said. _He had escaped Danarius._ His expression showed that he didn't know me at all, proving that his memory had indeed been erased, as my father claimed years ago. _'He's not the same boy that you used to know, luv'_ , he had said in his tenderest voice. _'There is nothing you can do.'_  

 _Obviously not_ , I thought bitterly.

I had to get back into the present moment. I had to be tactical.

_He must not know. Knowing would only confuse him and everyone else... Maybe he wouldn't even believe me. At worst, he'd suffer...and he doesn't need to. Not anymore. Not ever again. I can fall apart when I come home...but not now._

I thanked the Maker that Bethany wasn't with me there, because she would've definitely recognized Leto and blew it all off on sheer impulse. And I wouldn't have been able to blame her at all; I had barely kept my cool myself. I grabbed onto relief from knowing that he had at least escaped, and we were reunited - even in such messed up circumstances, but I held onto it like to a lifeline so I could remain collected.

"Are you alright?", I asked, trying to add sturdiness to my voice. It shook only a little bit, so I inhaled, bracing myself again.

"I... Yes. Thank you for asking" he replied, logically surprised.

"You're covered in blood", I waved towards him, weakly trying to justify my question. "Anyway, I assume that everything Anso said to us was a lie?"

"Not everything", he shook off. "The chest you were sent to retrieve should have contained documents of importance to my former master."

"Well tough, 'cuz it was empty", Isabela huffed.

"I see... So it was only bait." Le...um, Fenris seemed dejected.

 _Fenris! His name is Fenris now_ , I yelled inwardly at myself. _I can't afford to mess up._

"So you wanted to blackmail this fucktard Danarius with those papers?", Varric asked.

"It doesn't matter now", Fenris responded on a sigh.

"It does, honey, because we were sent on a merry chase", Isabela's tone took on an edge.

Ever the materialist... Though I had to admit that her statement had supported our original goal.

"You weren't", he admonished. "You're still going to get paid. The point is that your employer isn't Anso, but me. And there's more." He turned towards the passage that led to Lowtown. "I'm going to face Danarius in his mansion in Hightown and gain my freedom once and for all. You have a choice", he gave us a stern look. "Either you meet me in Hightown tomorrow night and get payed double after the fight, or your job ends here if you wish, and you get the payment from the original deal."

"Going against a Tevinter magister?", Varric frowned. "I don't know, Hawke..."

"I'm in", I shot out.

Isabela, Varric and Anders looked at me bewilderingly.

"We need the money", I pointed out.

"Be that as it may, I have an appointment tomorrow night", Anders said to me. "I must heal a boy who is very ill. I should have done it tonight, but I had postponed it to assist you."

"It's alright", I patted his shoulder. "I can bring Bethany. You do your thing."

He gave me a tender smile. Anders was an extremely selfless individual when it came to helping others and I respected him for that, regardless of his, ah, 'condition'. 

"Do we have an agreement, then?", Fenris interjected.

I looked at him.

For that one long moment, I couldn't help myself and I held his gaze, searching for my long lost Leto. Those were definitely his eyes, the unyielding determination in them, and something else... _The torment_ , I realized. There was so much agony in those fierce emerald pools, like dark rivulets of blood...

His expression changed rapidly from detached to intrigued, and when I noticed his eyes narrowing questioningly, I became aware of the presence of my companions and the awkwardness of my behavior.

"Guys, let us leave this corpse heap before we draw any unwanted attention", I announced, heading towards the passageway to Lowtown.

"I was about to suggest the same myself", Varric added, following suit.

"You coming?", I stopped right by Fenris's side.

His closeness wreaked havoc inside of me, but that sensation was far, far better than all those years of trying to persuade myself that he was forever lost to me.

"Where?", he squinted speculatively.

"To the Hanged Man" I shrugged.

"You mean to bring him with us?", Anders asked, even more suspiciously than Fenris.

"Why not? If we're going to work together, I don't see why we shouldn't talk a bit." I turned to Fenris again. "I don't work with anybody. You're gravely mistaken if you think that I'm just your average mercenary."

To my surprise, Fenris smirked and respectively nodded to me. "Fair enough."

 

~~~

 

The usual patrons at the Hanged Man have given Fenris uneasy glares, which was expected, considering his remarkably menacing appearance and demeanor. The only reason that no one tried to get hostile with him is the fact that he was in our company; Varric and Isabela practically lived in the tavern, and I was a regular almost ever since I arrived to Kirkwall, so everyone already knew us and accepted us as their own, so to speak.

We settled at our usual table near the bar and Nora brought us ale. Fenris was alert to the point of being prickly, examining his surroundings like a wild animal.

"Hey, relax", I directed at him, trying to smile.

"I don't like this place", he shot out honestly.

"It's not so bad, once you get used to it", Isabela elbowed him.

"I don't want to get used to it", he mumbled.

"Your social skills are next to nonexistent, elf", Varric cocked a brow.

"Consequences of being a slave, I imagine", Anders murmured out, immediately earning a nasty glare from Fenris.

"That was rather uncalled for", I turned to Anders, puzzled by this faint outburst of hostility.

"Your peculiar sympathy towards a complete stranger, and a vicious killer at that, is what's _really_ uncalled for", Anders snapped at me.

I was completely stunned for a moment. I didn't know what to make of his reaction.

...Or maybe I didn't really want to. Isabela's smirk directed to Anders had practically voiced _'I see right through you'_.

There has been some occasional light flirting between Anders and me since we've met, but I wasn't planning to seriously act on it. I wasn't inclined to getting intimate with my companions, especially if I initially pegged them as friends. I believed that the flirting was benign; heck, I even pranked with Varric and Isabela on occasion, but that's all it was - a prank. I beheld Anders now and for the first time I suspected that mayhap he hadn't perceived it as such...and I was also concerned about how obvious was my reaction to Fenris.

"Maybe I should leave", Fenris suddenly stood up. "I have no intention of causing trouble among you--"

Isabela grabbed his arm and pulled him back down on the bench. "Shut up and sit. Arguments among companions happen occasionally", she said as if chastising a child.

"It's a part of socializing, you know", Varric pointed out in a teasing tone.

Fenris was radiating unease and grumpiness, but he still complied and settled in place. Anders also seemed somewhat calmed, silently looking to the side as if reflecting upon his outburst. I didn't want to push him further on the subject, though I was itching to clear things out between us.

"Sooo, Fenris...", Isabela accented his name in a deliberately sassy manner, breaking the tense moment, bless her. "What's with that magical fisting thing you do?"

I almost choked on my ale. Varric had barely suppressed the snicker, covering it by clearing his throat.

"Umm... Sorry?", Fenris rose a questioning brow.

I couldn't discern if he was just taken aback or actually amused. It felt so good, observing him and his expressions after such a long time. He looked different, but it was still him...even if he didn't remember me.

"Oh you know, when you stuck your hand into that idiot and crushed him from inside. There was no hole in his chest afterwards."

That was an excellent point, and I was also eager to know how that happened.

"Yes, well... It's a talent", Fenris responded, his tone slightly changing into amiable.

I took that chance to interject. "Is it related to those markings on your body?", I asked carefully, trying not to sound too prying or overly aware of his unique appearance.

I knew that it was something that Danarius must have done to him, because father had mentioned that Leto was physically altered rather drastically, as much as mentally. He wasn't specific, persistently avoiding the subject, which had made me even more hysterical. I was mad at everyone at the time. Now I finally began to understand father's unwillingness to explain; it wasn't because he didn't want to, but because he simply didn't know how. 

Fenris's posture had visibly relaxed. Something akin to a smile had appeared on his face, causing all sorts of quivers in my chest. I could only hope that I wasn't blatantly transparent... Though by Anders's reaction from before, I suspected that some things simply couldn't be hidden, no matter how hard I tried.

"I assume I must seem strange to you", Fenris glanced at his pearly-lined palm. "These markings are lyrium, burned into my flesh in a ritual I remember only by the agony that it caused."

I felt my jaw drop.

"Wait, actual lyrium?", Anders remarked, openly amazed. "It's in your skin?? How is it possible that you survived that?"

"Is it not enough that I did?", Fenris rebuffed.

"That's one heck of an immunity you have, elf", Varric stated, awestruck.

"Thanks", he responded flatly.

"Danarius did that to you", I said, meaning to form a question, but it turned out into a statement. My voice was raw.

"Yes", Fenris acknowledged quietly, the simple word implying the tremendous weight of everything he must have felt about the subject. "He wanted to create a perfect bodyguard who would deal lethal spiritual damage to whomever he wished. I can reach into a man like a deadly specter and crush him from inside. I can reach through almost anything, really", he shrugged, as if trying to sound light.

"Wow, that must make pickpocketing a whole lot easier", Varric smirked.

Fenris scoffed. "I've never tried, but I bet it does."

"That lyrium isn't poisonous, is it?" Isabela suddenly leaned away, given that she was sitting right next to him.

I thought that he'd be upset by her reaction, but he smirked instead. "It's not, you needn't worry. I can deal the damage by touch only if I concentrate on that."

"Oh?" She leaned back to him, all sassy again. "What about when you glow? I mean, are you harmful to the touch when you're glowing?"

"That depends. If I..." He suddenly focused on her. "Why are you so interested in this?"

"Hmm, I was just thinking how it would be far more atmospheric in the bedroom instead of lighting candles."

I would lie if I said that I wasn't chafed by jealousy in that moment. Isabela was always flirting with everyone, mostly harmlessly, but the gravity of this particular situation made me waver. I practically held my breath while Fenris stared at Isabela after what she stated.

"I suggest you stick to candles", he said mirthlessly and turned from her, sipping his ale.

"Ooh, frostbite", she snickered, completely unfazed.

"You said that the ritual had caused you pain", I interjected before things got worse. "Does it still...?"

Fenris gave me a somewhat surprised look. "No", he shook off slowly. "Sometimes I feel completely numb after exertion, but that's it. I suppose it's because the mana in the markings gets depleted."

"Your markings...produce mana??", Anders was fairly shocked.

"Indeed", Fenris confirmed grimly. "It's one of their purposes. The markings run deep through my flesh and are intertwined with my very life essence. When I rest well, the amount of mana rises. Danarius could tap into them merely by touching them and thus drew mana much more efficiently than by drinking a lyrium potion."

"How did that feel?", Anders asked, his expression a bit pained. "I mean, when he...did that to you."

Fenris took a deep, heavy breath. "It was unnerving. And draining. It made me feel like an object. I don't want to experience something like that ever again."

There was a moment of dull silence after this. I saw that Fenris felt uncomfortable under our compassionate gazes.

Then he looked straight into my eyes and I nearly flinched from the intensity of his gaze. "There is an option of removing the lyrium-infused parts from my body and then planting them into someone else", he continued. "Actually, into anyone who would normally die from the ritual that was successfully performed only on me. The removal means my death, of course."

I gripped my mug, mirroring the clench of my jaw.

"Danarius doesn't want _me_ at all, he just wants to strip the flesh from my bones. Why retrieve a disobedient slave when he could create another who would be much more efficient? Even though the ritual had terminally deprived me of any memory of my life before, he wasn't able to twist my soul into something that would serve him blindly. I am not a slave. I was never meant to be one."

My heart constricted like a clenching fist. It took all my self-control not to make a pained grimace. _If I mean to keep him at my side, I'll have to get used to this_ , I practically gave an order to myself and drained the rest of my ale. It tasted like water.

"Why did Danarius remove your memory?", Isabela asked.

"I don't think that he did it intentionally", Fenris responded flatly. "Everything before the ritual is gone, so I imagine that the memory loss was a side effect of it."

"Or maybe he really did it on purpose", I added bitterly. "What better way to keep a slave leashed and obedient than to remove all that he was and train him to know nothing but to serve his master?" I scoffed, my voice more vexed with each word. "I'm glad you escaped from the bastard."

I called Nora for more ale. I was beside myself from ire. My companions, including Fenris, looked at me weirdly but I didn't care anymore. All I could think of is Danarius dying in the most gruesomest ways that I could think of at the moment. And I could think of plenty.

"I must admit, he definitely seems like he needs to be introduced to Bianca", Varric sighed out and clunked my mug with his, then drank up.

"Fucking slavers", Isabela added quietly, as if to herself. I remembered when she had spoken about the event that had brought her to Kirkwall in the first place. I was very aware that there's a sensitive heart beneath her materialistic compulsions.

"I take it that you hate all the mages now?"

I swung a surprised look at Anders. He observed Fenris with a tense expression.

In turn, Fenris squinted at him. "What is there to like?"

_Oh, shit._

Anders leaned in an inch. "You can't blame everyone for the cruelty of individuals."

I could feel the prickling charge in the air as Fenris's and Anders's gazes clashed across the table. The crushing silence lasted for an entire minute, the two of them tense like two enraged tigers who were about to get into a bloody fight over territory. I kept myself steady, as did Varric and Isabela, ready to intervene only if the worst came to part.

Fenris re-directed his hard, vicious gaze at me. I remained calm, but little did anyone know how painful was the stab of it.

He then stood up fluidly and bypassed the table, halting next to me. "Hawke. Tomorrow before midnight, meet me in Hightown at the entrance of nobles' estates area", he executed coldly. Then he glanced at Anders and pointed at him, "Without the mage."

Anders scoffed on a mirthless chuckle. "Why don't you shout? I don't think that everyone heard you."

Fortunately, we were at the Hanged Man during the hours when everyone were drunk and didn't give a fuck if an abomination strolled in and sat to have a drink...which was brutally ironic given the circumstances.

I grabbed Anders's shoulder. "Enough." Without waiting for a reaction, I stood up and faced Fenris. "Until tomorrow night."

There was a hint of surprise in his big green eyes, and he looked as if he was about to retort something. Then his eyes unexpectedly softened, and before I could bask in that sight he moved away, faintly brushing my shoulder and causing wild friction within me. I turned to see the door closing behind him as he exited the tavern. 

 

~~~

 

As soon as I closed the door of Gamlen's hovel - it wasn't so much of a hovel as an underestimation of a proper house, being in Lowtown and everything - the shakes had engulfed me.

I felt as if I was holding something heavy for longer than I could bear and my body just started crumbling. I leaned to the door, trying to hold myself upright.

Ares stood up immediately from his spot by the fireplace and sped towards me, sniffing me and offering his big head for support.

"Good boy", I whispered to him and cuddled him as much as I held onto him. His honest concern brought tears into my eyes...tears that I was holding in ever since I saw... _him._

Mother was still awake, knitting by the fireplace, and she looked at me with alarm, getting up from the armchair and running forth to me. She had to squeeze in beside Ares to get to me.

"Darling, are you all right? Are you hurt?", she inquired, looking me over and touching for injuries. Her concern broke my heart even further.

"I'm fine, mom. I'm not injured", I half-whispered in a broken voice as a few tears rolled down my cheeks.

"What is it, then?" She focused on my face, still holding onto my shoulders.

Ares was still trying to snuggle, whining softly. In that moment, Bethany emerged from our room, wearing her night gown. Most likely she was woken by my entrance. Gamlen was sleeping like a log of course, his snoring coming out loud and clear from his room.

"I...have some news."

 

After I have relayed everything regarding the encounter with Le...Fenris, a moment of dull silence had fallen over the three of us. I was sitting on the rug by the fireplace, Ares's head filling my lap; not even a crowbar could separate him from me whenever he'd sense I'm down.

"Are you sure that you want to keep this from him, darling?" mother asked tenderly.

"I'm sure", I said calmly, with determination reinforced. "Chances are that you'll get to meet him as well, and you must act as if you don't know him at all. Mom, please", I accentuated when I noticed her frown of unwillingness. "I know that you hate lying and pretense, but it's for his sake."

"But what about _you?",_  she was persistent.

"I'll hurt even more if he's hurt because of something he's not able to remember anyway."

"She's right, mom", Bethany supported me, bless her heart. "There's no way that Leto could remember her, nor us. His memory was erased by blood magic and we can't do anything about it. It might as well be irreversible." She looked at me with comforting eyes, "You can count on me, sis."

"Thank you, Beth. Just remember that his name is Fenris now", I emphasized.

"I will", she nodded. "So, we're facing Danarius tomorrow night?", her tone became grim.

"By the Maker, he's a blood mage!" Mother gripped her forehead in a bout of worry.

"We won't be alone, mom", I tried to reassure her. "There's Varric with his unbeatable Bianca, and lightning-quick Isabela, and Fenris will fight too, and he's unbelievably powerful now. We can take Danarius on, I'm positive. And he's not the first blood mage that we had encountered anyway."

I wasn't merely reassuring her, because what I said were solid facts. There was a part of my soul that was fretful, but this was my Leto and I would have jumped into the Void for him, let alone fight a blood mage whom I hated probably as much as he.

"What about Aveline?", mother was persistent.

"I can't involve her in this", I shook off. "She's the captain of the Guard now, and we'll practically raid a mansion in Hightown. I don't want her to compromise her newly established position by being an accomplice in potential felony. We'll be fine, don't worry."

Ares lifted his head and huffed, looking me in the eyes. I chuckled. "Of course I'll bring you, big boy. Though I suppose you won't be able to hide your joy over seeing Leto again, huh?"

He yapped out something that implied a 'yes', rolling out his tongue.

 


	2. Dark Side of the Moon II

I had to admit that realizing that Danarius wasn't in the mansion had made me feel dejected. Everyone else, except Fenris of course, seemed to be content with that outcome.

In truth, we weren't well enough organized to face a powerful Tevinter magister - I could admit that to myself after all. I felt a bit guilty for dragging my friends, and even my sister, into such a dangerous fight with a half-assed attitude, though I knew that Bethany would have done it anyway. She was always fond of Leto, and she had mourned the loss with me with nearly equal intensity seven years ago.

We exited the mansion. Fenris leaned onto the wall near the front door and exhausted a deep sigh, welcoming the cool night air. Ares trotted happily to him and sat by his side. Fenris looked down and petted the mabari's head, smiling weakly. He didn't understand why the dog was so amicable to him, but still he didn't turn his affection aside.

I had felt some panic when Ares charged at Fenris the moment he spotted him, engulfing him in a swoop of slobbery, whiny canine love and flattening him to the ground. Varric and Isabela were both stunned and amused by the sight, and Bethany and I went along, feigning surprise. To my genuine surprise, however, Fenris didn't reject Ares's affection, pushing him back only so much to stand upright. For the first time since the reunion I saw him smiling honestly. As much as I was able to perceive, he in fact welcomed this loving outburst, and I sorrowfully presumed that he didn't really have anyone so glad to see him as far as his current memory reached. Varric jested that Fenris must have stashed some bacon in his armor, and fortunately the jokes had overwhelmed my hound's suspicious behavior. Inwardly, my heart slightly trembled in a fit of twisted jealousy, because I wished more than anything to throw myself in Leto's arms just like Ares did...only without drooling all over him. Much.

"I had escaped a land of dark magic only to have it chasing me at every turn", Fenris murmured grimly, forsaking Ares' comforting presence. "Danarius will get what's coming to him, one way or the other. If he wants his mansion back, he is free to come and claim it." He turned in our direction. "Yet now I find myself in the company of even more mages." He eyed me coldly, "Your acceptance of apostates makes sense now."

I crossed my arms defensively. "Time to set things straight, I see."

He said nothing to that. Instead, the sting of his gaze landed on Bethany, so sharply that even I felt it, standing next to her. "You are a formidable mage, and more so exposed to the dangers of magic. Sooner or later you will succumb to the allure of power." Then I received an almost equal treatment, "You are harboring vipers in your midst, Hawke. It is only a matter of time when they turn on you."

Ares took a step back from Fenris, letting out a confused whine. I was flabbergasted and momentarily speechless. I assumed that he was reserved toward mages now, as the brief animosity from last night insinuated, but to this extent...

"You hypocritical shit!", Isabela exclaimed. "She fought in there by your side, saving your ass from wraiths and shades and whatnot, and this is how you show your thanks!?"

"I'm perfectly aware that magic has its uses", Fenris retorted, unfazed. "But I am also aware of _all_ its uses, and how good intentions may lead to bloody consequences, especially in this aspect. Her place is in the Circle", he pointed at my sister, "where she wouldn't pose a constant danger to others, as well as to herself."

I couldn't believe my ears. Leto had adored Bethany once, and offered gentle support when she was a little girl who had started showing signs of magic which had terrified her. Considering that he'd been a slave to a mage at the time, I had found such an open heart a rare feature, which was one of many reasons why I loved him.

It seemed that he was changed more profoundly than I assumed. His hate for mages now ran soul-deep, for I was certain that my Leto would never succumb to such closed-minded discrimination.

"You have no right to speak such things of Bethany", I directed a threatening tone to him, unable to curb my aggravation. "She is stronger than you think."

"It is understandable that you cherish your sister", he responded, still unperturbed. "All I am saying is that unsanctioned magic inevitably corrupts, and there may come a day when she would be your sister no longer, but an abomination that seeks only destruction."

"To the Void with your assumptions and your traumas!" I snapped.

Ares moved towards Bethany, beckoning her in a protective manner and facing Fenris, a mix of whining and mild growling coming out of his throat. I sympathized with the poor dog.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and then realized that I had stepped toward Fenris to... I was honestly about to punch him. I turned, seeing that the stopping hand belonged to Bethany. Her expression was impossibly tender, opposing the situation.

"It's alright, sis."

"It's not alright!", I shouted. I was hurt on both mine and her behalf. "He doesn't know--"

" _Exactly"_ , she cut off my sentence, accenting the word.

I stared into her warm dark amber eyes. Her point had dawned to me then, dousing the flames of fury.

_He doesn't know. How could he? All he knows now is that magic brings torment._

I clenched my jaw, inwardly chastising myself for this impulsiveness. My nerves were raw from being strained by pretense of ignorance, but it was a poor excuse and I had to keep myself in check. My heart vibrated from pain. 

I forced myself to relax and stepped back. Ares had calmed as well, sitting down in the space between Fenris and Bethany like a canine paragon of peace, looking alternately at either. I approached and patted his head.

"Don't insult Bethany anymore", I said to Fenris in a reconciling tone, shooting a sharp glance at him.

"I wasn't--"

"You better not push your luck, Sparky", Varric interrupted him. "And really, quit belittling Sunshine, or Bianca will _really_ not like you."

Fenris frowned, opened his mouth to say something, and then shut it again. His brow rose questioningly. "'Sparky'?"

"Great. You gave him a nickname", Isabela threw her arms in the air.

"Meaning what?", Fenris asked, still puzzled.

"Meaning you're part of our team now", I explained. "We fought side by side, we argued, we managed not to kill each other. You're in."

I thought it wasn't possible for him to be even more bewildered, but there it was. Ares let out a happy bark. I swear, that dog's intelligence had me thrown off sometimes.

Fenris crossed his arms, giving me a stern look. "You do realize that I won't change my mind about mages, do you?"

"I know", I sighed heavily. "And if I'm able to live with it, by all means, so will you", I returned the stare in full force.

He observed me tensely for a minute, and I involuntarily found myself tingling from his unyielding force. We were never this contradictory when he was Leto, but there was something tantalizing in this new relation. He seemed stronger, more mature, even though his character had took a turn for the worse. I was badly conflicted about him and I was yet to truly tough it out...if I ever succeeded at all.

Fenris lowered his arms to his sides and vaguely looked away. "I don't understand. I was certain you'd...leave for good, at best", he said carefully, implying that he knew how close I was to engaging in a physical confrontation.

"Are you kidding? You're too twisted and messed up to pass", Varric chuckled.

I grimaced, finding a great deal of truth in that jest. We truly were a band of misfits, but then, normalcy has never been a part of my life anyway.

"I can appreciate honesty, Fenris, no matter how harsh it may be."

There was that strange gaze again, too intense to be called soft, and yet too profound to be called spiteful. Leto had never looked at me with such overwhelming force. I reveled in it.

"So, how about it?", I opened my arms in a friendly gesture. "I'm gathering a team for a profitable expedition, and one more blade is more than welcome... Especially _that_ kind of blade", I pointed to his monster of a greatsword, secured on his back.

I honestly wondered how he managed to move so fluidly with that robust blade swaying behind him, let alone handle it during battle with such expertise, as if it were an extension of his limbs. He was very talented in swordplay back when we were teens, but now he was downright amazing. I imagined that being a bodyguard to a corrupted magister had required some serious training. His moves in combat were precise and fluid, his strikes unwavering, and his whole posture radiated cold mercilessness. The glow of his markings had added to the whole picture, making him look additionally frightening, like a fierce flash of lightning tearing at the stormy sky. And by all means, he was significantly more beefy than when I'd last seen him. Even his height had improved by an inch or two. I frowned at his markings, suspecting that 'lyrium enhancement' was mainly responsible for those feats, and I was inwardly disgusted with myself for appreciating his 'beatifications'.

"Very well, Hawke", Fenris announced solemnly after a pause. "My blade is yours, if you'll have me."

I swallowed against the onslaught of emotions, trying to remain cool. "Thank you, Fenris. But no more hostility with your mage companions, got it?", I deliberately used my 'leader tone'.

He frowned at me. "I will watch them closely. That is all I can promise."

I sighed deeply. Adjusting him to new circumstances definitely won't be easy. "Good enough", I said.

"I bet he and Blondie will get along famously", Varric whispered behind my back.

Fenris squinted at Varric. He heard that, alright.

I slapped Varric's shoulder, "Shut it." I was aware that relaying Anders's 'condition' to Fenris will be tricky, to say the least, but it didn't have to be tonight. 

"Well then! Let's go", I announced in a chirpy voice, heading down the street.

"Come on, Sparky", I heard Varric behind me.

"Where?", Fenris asked in a suspicious, grumpy tone, which I suspected was now his trademark.

"What do you mean 'where'? To the Hanged Man! I need a drink after all this...or ten. Damn, we all do. And by the way, you're buying. Whatever's left goes to the expedition fund."

I turned to see Fenris making an annoyed expression. "I'd rather just give you the money and stay--"

"Oh no, you won't", Isabela grabbed him under the arm and practically dragged him along. "We oughta work on those social skills, I'm not kidding."

"Stop touching me", he grumbled and yanked his arm out of her grip.

He assessed all of us for a few tense moments, and then Ares approached him and whined pleadingly, tilting his head. I pressed my lips, preventing a grin when I noticed the crumble of Fenris's defenses under the overwhelming force of puppy eyes. He exasperated a sharp sigh, "Fine, I'll go."

He followed us down the street, wordlessly, while Isabela 'argued' with Ares on whose charm is more effective. Everyone engaged in cheerful banter, although Fenris remained silent. Still, I noticed a spark of relief on his face, so faint that probably only I was capable of seeing it.

 


	3. Candle Flame

I could scarcely believe that it was finally done. The money was collected and we were good to go.

The past five months had been hectic, running around Kirkwall and doing quests, of which not all were profitable. I was beginning to feel like a charity service, and some of the people whom I helped had dubbed me a 'hero'. I didn't like the analogy one bit; heroes were usually graced with constant avalanches of shit in their path. I only prayed that mine would stop at some point. Soon. Any day now. Yeah.

The Chantry had also taken notice of my activities, which was tedious in its own right. I mean, I believe in the Maker well enough, but zealots were always getting on my nerves with their blighted self-righteousness. I got mixed up with the Qunari business as well, and while they were appallingly difficult to understand (referring primarily to the Arishok), narrow-minded in their twisted Qun philosophy but in turn respectful of some weird acrobatics I have said and done, they weren't as loathsome as Chantry fanatics (referring primarily to bitch--ah, _Sister_ Petrice). The situation between the two factions was heating up to the point where everything in town began shifting, and I could hardly wait to depart for the Deep Roads. Wading through dark caverns full of darkspawn, giant spiders and other ghastly things seemed way more appealing than lingering in the brewing mess of Kirkwall which was steadily closing in on me.

It wasn't really my intention to go around and help people. Somehow I constantly got into these situations where I simply couldn't turn a blind eye to the helpless, and especially injustice. Some of my companions agreed, some didn't, but nevertheless, no one left my side regardless of my decisions. I was amazed at the amount of trust they all had in me.

Bethany aside, Varric had supported me no matter the situation, and I genuinely believed that I had gained a lifetime friend. Aveline was my 'rock' as well; more often than not she used her position to gather information of import for me, both for my quests and securing Bethany from the templars. I never asked her to do it, but she insisted anyway. Ever since Ferelden we stuck together and I considered her practically as a family member. Isabela was hopelessly laid back and heartily helped whenever there was profit involved. Anders was compassionate and understanding and he tried in earnest to keep Justice in check. It was far from easy for him, but at least he kept trying.

The most problematic one, ironically, was Fenris.

We had many encounters with Fade creatures, apostates and blood mages, and sometimes I had to make an effort to separate Fenris and Anders in certain quests. However, when either would find out about what had transpired - whether it was a pro-mage or con-mage situation - they would blow off quite the amount of steam, in my direction of course. Their vicious banters gave me serious headaches from time to time and I had no other choice but to endure and play the peacemaker. I needed them both, after all. Fenris was necessary for obvious reasons, and Anders was needed in more ways than one: aside from ascending to the position of a friend, he was a Grey Warden who was essential for our trip to the Deep Roads, and a powerful mage who had an affinity for healing magic. Anders's 'Justice syndrome', as Isabela had quaintly dubbed it, was somewhat of a unique case that didn't cause problems...so far. Fenris was constantly irked by Anders's very presence, though. It took around three months to switch from calling him 'that abomination' to 'that damnable mage'. It was a good improvement, considering.

And don't even get me started with Merrill. It seemed that her Dalish origin had irritated Fenris even more than her being a mage, since he had a very low opinion on his fellow elves. He honestly detested their conceited attitude about their race in general and the whole division between 'the last of the Elvhen' and 'flat-ears', aka the city elves. As for Merrill, there was an additional stick in the mud, considering that she had dabbled in blood magic. That fact had put me off as well, and I wasn't eager either to hang out with her at first. Even though she refrained from performing blood magic ever since Flemeth's case on Sundermount, along with her personality being generally childishly innocent and caring, Fenris had simply despised her and avoided her company whenever he could.

Varric once asked Fenris if brooding was a sport in Tevinter. It took all my self-control not to burst into outright laughter at his dubious expression. Alas, I couldn't resist the urge for the life of me when Varric added that if Fenris's brooding was any more impressive, women would swoon as he passed and had broody babies in his honor. Bethany was present at the time and as calm and collected as she always was, she had to support herself on my shoulder in a fit of laughter. Fenris's stupefied 'I don't brood' had only made us laugh even harder. He didn't show up for two days after that. And those were the moments when he _wasn't_ the main grouch and mood-killer.

This Fenris was barely anything like the Leto I once knew. True enough, Leto _was_ a bit broody sometimes, and proud, and stubbornly persistent when he'd set his mind to something, but...he also knew how to relax. He knew how to crack jokes with a straight face like no other. He knew how to support those in need. His heart was strong, fierce and kind, and shone like a jewel, defying his oppressed circumstances. Even though Danarius had erased his memory, deep inside I believed that this heart was indestructible. The main evidence of that was his bold escape, along with the will to cooperate with people who are very different from him. Others may have labeled him as a broody spoilsport with hidden backstabbing tendencies, but I could see that he was trying... Or at least I believed that that was the case.

Somehow I never got the chance to properly speak to Fenris. There were always others present, we were always doing quests, and at the end of the day when we would all return to our homes, he would disappear silently like a shadow, returning to the mansion, without ever expressing the need for the company of another. When we'd invite him to hang out at the Hanged Man, he would always seem reluctant at first, before complying grumpily. I could only assume that he actually really wanted to socialize with us, and never asked for it because he didn't know how. I also feared that if I approached him on my own, I'd cause a reaction which would be expected from an irritated wild animal: attack or flee. I had no intention whatsoever to instigate either.

There were many assumptions on my part...too many.

 

On the eve before the day when we were set to depart on the expedition, I couldn't sit still. Everyone was resting before the long journey to the unknown depths, and I was sitting there awake, thinking about what Fenris was thinking about in that moment.

The very realization of that absurdity had made me snap out of it. _Are you a woman of action, or what?_

 

Soon I have found myself in front of the door of Fenris's mansion. The place looked abandoned, as it was supposed to, because he was squatting and didn't want the city authorities to find out. The front door was locked of course, but the back door that was hidden in the bushes was always open. I circled the house, found the door and let myself in. I paced through the gloom of a deserted house, my steps echoing throughout the spacious, neglected interior.

Halfway up the stairs that led to the upper floor and to Fenris's room, I realized that my heart was racing. My pulse was thudding loud in my ears, and I had to actually stop and take a deep breath a few times to calm down. As I reached his room and rose my hand to knock, I had to stop again and calm my damn nerves. It would be the first time that we're alone, just the two of us. In the middle of the night. 

Before I began panicking, I knocked.

There was no sound coming out of the room. There wasn't even any light coming from beneath the door. I wondered if he was even home. _But where would he be?_

I pressed the knob and opened the door. The spacious room - the only one that Fenris actually used in the entire house - was indeed vacant. His bed was made, the fireplace was cold, the lantern on the desk extinguished, the window slightly askew. There was a bathroom connected to his room, but no sounds were coming from there either. The windows were mostly shrouded by thick velvet curtains and it was so dark that shadows danced before my eyes as I strained to see anything.

"Fenris?", I called, my voice softly resounding throughout the room. It sounded eerie.

 

A strong arm encircled my neck, the glow that radiated from it blinding me. I felt a body pressing into mine from behind - a warm, taut body, with no armor on it. The other arm enfolded my waist in a steel vise. The grip on my neck wasn't choking, but I was left immovable nevertheless. My breath stopped.

"Why did you come here, Hawke?"

Fenris's voice, right next to my ear, was probably supposed to sound menacing, but I heard something else entirely. That gravelly sound, his warm breath on my neck and his snug closeness had instantly turned my body into jelly.

_Nononono. Pull yourself together._

"Is this how you greet all your visitors?" I tried for a light tone.

"At this hour, and uninvited? Consider yourself lucky", he delivered threateningly.

"Maybe I should have sent a formal announcement, then", I chuckled.

Without thinking further, I engaged shadow-phasing and partially misted through Fenris's grip, then quickly grabbed him by the arms and tossed him over me. He should have flattened on his back, but being a super-agile elf, he landed on his feet. Shadow-phasing was a move that I was yet to master, thus it had drained plenty of my stamina and I couldn't fully deflect Fenris' counter-attack. He swiftly turned and tried to undo my standing by sweeping out with his outstretched leg, but I evaded by jumping backwards. He then pirouetted up, fully regaining his standing and destroying mine in a move that I didn't even have time to figure out. The next thing I knew, I was nailed to the floor, on my back, Fenris's limbs pinning down mine and securing me from further movement.

His face was so close that I could see the green in his irises. My whole body was tingling, rejoicing the contact...but I couldn't afford to indulge.

"I guess I'm off my kilter tonight", I smirked while regaining my breath.

His frown deepened. "Are you going to tell me why you're here?"

I scoffed. "I came to talk, Fenris. I wanted to. Is that good enough for you?"

He searched through my eyes for several heartbeats, his markings gradually dousing completely. Then he quickly stood up and offered me a hand. I accepted and got back on my feet, attending to my attire. I was in a tunic and pants, and then I noticed that Fenris was wearing a sleeveless shirt and...flannel pajama bottoms, apparently. He was downright adorable, and I felt lucky seeing him in his sleeping garments.

He rubbed the back of his neck - a typical male gesture that showed that he's a bit taken aback. He went to the lantern on the desk and lit it, filling the room with pleasant warm light. He gave me a guarded sideways look.

"Sorry."

"Hmm", I hummed deliberately vaguely.

"It's still not easy for me to trust someone."

I felt my eyes widening. "You thought that I was going to... What? Attack you? I mean, in earnest?"

He slid into the nearby chair and swiped his hands over his face, sighing heavily. "I acted on impulse. I heard when you entered the house, realized that you're alone, and... I thought it was a diversion."

"A diversion for what?", I asked as I sat on the edge of the bed, close to the chair which Fenris occupied.

"For hunters", he said flatly, avoiding eye contact.

I was mute for some time.

"Fenris. Before I slap you, I must ask: _why_ would you think that I'd sell you out!?"

There was a moment of tense silence and staring into nothing on his part.

"I'm aware that I haven't been much of a companion since we've met."

"Whatever do you mean?" I blinked innocently.

"Don't patronize me", he growled and swished a sharp look at me.

"You're being an idiot", I instantly rebuffed. "Occasional arguments are normal, considering we're all different to extremes in the team. But we're a damn good cohesive force in combat and we manage to stick together in a pinch. No matter what each of you thinks, I still respect you all for who you are."

He gave me a surprised look, with a question planted in it.

"I don't care if you can't understand my ability to be so open-minded", I answered the silent question. "I value loyalty. Also, each and every one of you had shown the will to help others even if it wasn't profitable, or went against your personal convictions, which means that my companions are actually _good people._ Remember when we helped the Starkhaven mages to escape? You were against it, but still helped. You saw the injustice done to them and couldn't turn a blind eye."

"I _still_ think that they should have been brought to the Circle", he said spitefully.

"But you also knew that they would be tortured and eventually turned tranquil, even though the whole mess wasn't their fault. You trusted my judgment."

Silence. Averted gaze.

"...Or so I thought", I crossed my arms.

Fenris got up and started pacing around like a caged tiger. The situation was tense, but I couldn't help but enjoy the fluid moves of his strong, unarmored body in the dim light of the lantern. His scent was everywhere and I was sitting on his bed and I tried with all my might not to squirm against the flutters in my belly.

"You're right. I trusted you. Even so, I can't remain silent to things that bother me. Tonight, I thought..." He halted, his hand hanging in the air vaguely.

"You thought that I was fed up with your shitty attitude and decided to give you to Tevinters, now that I have the means for the expedition." My voice sounded so calm that it surprised me.

His arm fell down and he hid what was most definitely a guilty look.

"You really are a dumbass", I shook off.

"Well, what did you expect!?", he suddenly snapped. "Slavery is everything I've ever known and being used is something I'm accustomed to. I hate that fact but it's the truth. Ever since I've been on my own, I couldn't afford to trust anyone. After all, you're doing all this for the money", he pointed at me as if presenting a crucial evidence. "Why would I think that you're immune to a hefty sum in exchange for some troublesome slave!?"

I was instantly hurt. I wanted to yell to his face, punch him senseless, stomp out of there, anything to vent out the frustration. Still, my affection had prevailed over impulse, a consequence of months of training in that particular restraint, and I only took a deep breath.

"Please, sit down", I pointed to the chair which he previously occupied.

To my utter surprise, he immediately complied.

I opened my mouth to speak, and felt that my throat became dry from all these mood changes.

"Ugh, I need a drink", I thought out loud.

A bottle in an outstretched hand entered my field of vision. 

"Wine?", Fenris asked.

"Where did you...?", I started, as I accepted the bottle.

"From the cellar. There are plenty down there. It's Aggregio Pavali."

"Antivan brand? Wow", I admitted honestly and took a hefty gulp. Smooth liquid had nourished me instantly, tingling my taste buds and my sensitive sense of smell. "Ahh, nice."

"Danarius had me pour it to his guests." Fenris's voice became grim. "My appearance intimidated them, which he enjoyed."

"What a lovely host", I said coldly, sarcasm dripping off the syllables.

"You have no idea", he responded in kind.

"So, you...lived here before?"

"Not exactly", he responded sourly, accepting the bottle back.

As he drank, I couldn't help but focus on his plump lips that now pressed to the same place where mine had been. I couldn't distinguish if I was blushing from the quality wine or simply yearning.

"This is where Danarius stayed when he visited Free Marches for business purposes", he continued. "I was merely his traveling accessory."

"Is it hard for you...staying here?"

He gave me such an intense look that I nearly squirmed. "I don't see why you should care. And I _still_ don't understand why you're here tonight."

"Because I _do_ care." I decided to be blatant.

"That doesn't make any sense" he frowned. "I've never given you reason to care."

I smiled, expecting no less. "I think you're a person who is worth the effort. I'd like to get to know you."

He snorted, shaking off as if I had said something preposterous, but I could still see the warm glow of appreciation in his eyes. "Sometimes I really wonder about your sanity, Hawke."

"My name is Ellen."

He looked at me seriously, with a hint of guilt. "I didn't... No one calls you that."

"That's because 'Hawke' packs a punch", I grinned.

"Perhaps", he murmured. "But I think Ellen suits you better."

"How so?" I always considered my name as too mellow.

"It translates to 'graceful' in Seheron."

I was positively stunned. I hadn't known that. He had never told me... I had to clear my throat. "Um... Thank you."

His expression became guarded. "Was I out of place?"

"Not at all", I said lightly, trying not to sparkle all over the place.

"Very well, then", he said as if to himself, pasting a content smirk. "But if you want to know more about me, prepare to respond in kind."

I was about to fire out 'sure', but then remembered that I had to be very, _very_ careful when talking about my past.

"Alright." I responded calmly.

He narrowed his eyes at me, but said nothing. His perception was as sharp as ever...except when it came to some pretty obvious things.

"First I have to clarify some things, Fenris", I became serious, returning to the original issue. "I didn't believe I would ever need to, but I suppose your...circumstances are making you miss some obvious points. In all the time that you've known me so far, did you ever get the impression that I'm greedy to the point of being unscrupulous?"

He appeared crestfallen. "You...were never unscrupulous. You were even overly generous at times", he ended on a somewhat reprimanding tone.

"And do you think that such a person would ever sell you off to some evil bastard, no matter the amount of coin? Or for that matter, let _anyone else_ do that?"

He looked at me pointedly. "I still don't see why you'd stand up for me to such an extent. You owe me nothing."

I huffed, exasperated anew. "Look, I appreciate your company. Your blunt honesty that is sometimes cruel is far better than insidiousness, which many people use out of sheer lack of a backbone. Some of your traits are admirable, so much that they overshadow the bad ones. I'm not saying that you shouldn't work on being more understanding, however."

He opened his mouth to say something rebellious, probably, but I raised my hand, cutting him off.

"Let me finish. There are few people that would be able to accomplish what you have, and you keep trying. Slavery had damaged you, but I believe you're stronger than that. And you believe it as well, or else you wouldn't even try to change your lot in life."

He stared at me, wordlessly, for so long that I got lost in examining the way that lantern light had reflected in his eyes.

Suddenly I noticed that he was smiling. It was faint, tiny, but still a smile.

"You're really something, Ellen", he shook off, turning away.

The way he pronounced my name made me tingle all over. I felt a strange fulfillment in that moment, like something that was in disarray for who knows how long had finally started to fall into place.

"I need to tell you something regarding the expedition", Fenris suddenly got serious again. "That Bartrand guy, Varric's brother... I don't trust him."

"Why do you say that?" I frowned. 

"He seems too slippery."

"Of course he is", I grinned. "He's a merchant after all."

"It's not just that. I have a bad feeling... Just be cautious, alright?"

Fenris's ominous warning had worried me, especially because his instinct had proven to be always impeccably correct in the past months. Whenever he implied that there would be trouble, we got covered in spades of crap - regardless if we were prepared for it or not.

"I will", I complied. "Though...you sure this isn't just you being worried about going into the Deep Roads, is it?", I teased a bit. "I understand that elves resent being underground, and Merrill has already stated that she wouldn't be able to deal with it. I don't want to force anyone to follow me."

"Truth be told, I did have second thoughts", he sighed. "But it's either going down there with you or...boiling in my own aggravation here alone. I'd rather take my chances with endless caves and darkspawn", he smirked.

"A sound choice", I chuckled.

"What about you?"

I was a bit taken aback. "What _about_ me? "

"Engaging darkspawn had been a...heavy experience for you, as I understood."

I felt a cold lump in my throat. _Lothering... Carver._

"That was different. We ran from the Blight. I can't change the past, and I can't have it haunt me and poison my efforts for a better future."

"You're stronger than me, then", he admitted quietly.

"No, I'm not", I shook off, chuckling hollowly. "I'm just good at convincing myself."

 

We sat in silence for some time and just drank the wine. It was oddly comfortable. I felt relaxed so much that I yawned at one point, which I recognized as my cue to leave.

"Okay, I've intruded enough", I tried for a light tone as I got up. "I'll let you rest."

There was curious confusion on his face for a moment. Then he got up as well.

"It's alright, I know my way out", I raised my hand to stop him.

He looked out the window. "It's the dead of the night now. You should have brought a weapon. Do you..."

His concern was heartening...but misplaced. I slipped out two lean daggers from secret compartments in my pants, on the sides of my thighs, and flipped them in my hands out of habit.

Fenris's brows shot up. "I never felt that you had those."

"Maybe you should have searched me more thoroughly", I gave him a crooked grin, sliding the daggers back.

Against all odds, he smirked back and shot me a devious look. "Maybe next time I will."

I was sincerely hoping that this wasn't just the wine talking. I shook off, heading towards the door. "Next time you won't get the chance."

I gripped the doorknob, and then heard him say, "So...I won't get slapped after all?"

_Oh, you evil elf._

I turned on my heel and quickly paced back towards him. 

His expression was surprised, to say the least, as I neared. When I came so near that only a breath had separated us, I placed a light kiss on his cheekbone, mindful not to touch him anywhere else, and then stepped back. Ah, his face was priceless for a few moments... But then he ironed it out in a smug grin and crossed his arms.

"If this is your idea of slapping, then maybe I should make you angry more often."

"I suggest you don't push your luck", I laughed ominously, and left.

 


	4. Sky Painted Blue

The table in the dining room was finally set. I figured that my companions, as crazy and restless as they were, wouldn't stay in one place for long, so I helped Bodahn and Sandal to make other rooms comfortable for lounging as well. Mother insisted to help even though I tried to convince her not to pressure herself, but I had to admit that she was effective in keeping Ares from destroying the settings. I swear, that dog had always obeyed her as if he was imprinted to her instead of me. Ever since we moved into the Amell estate, he had this weird habit of occasionally running from one room to the other; I guessed that he was sick of being cooped up in that bloody shack of Gamlen's, and reveled in the new spacious commodities. As for Gamlen, he came to visit only a few times, even though we didn't part on bad terms. I could only assume that he felt somewhat guilty for what he had previously done with our inheritance.

Ever since the Deep Roads I never left mother's side. She was broken up over Bethany, so much that she blamed me for the unfortunate outcome at times, even adding Carver's death to the plate, and I couldn't really defend myself. Those were truly heart-wrenching situations. I indeed felt guilty, no matter how much my friends insisted that none of it was my fault. True enough, if I had left Bethany at home, the templars would have definitely found her. Aveline told me that Knight-commander Meredith had ordered a full-blown city raid during our month in the Deep Roads, and not a single home was left unchecked. The side-effect of that pursuit was apprehending the fugitive Starkhaven mages whom I have previously helped to escape - to no avail, obviously. Even Anders's clinic in Darktown was raided and he was damn lucky to be away with the expedition at the time. Merrill had found refuge with her clan that still hadn't left Sundermount; there was bad blood between them - quite literally - but at least they never left their own out in the cold no matter what, which was proven enough by Marethari's acceptance of Feynriel. Even though Aveline didn't go on the expedition because of her Guard-captain duties, she wouldn't have been able to do anything to keep Bethany safe anyway. It was becoming more and more clear that Kirkwall was actually templars' property, and that fact didn't bode well for anyone. Fenris didn't have to say that he had his impeccable bad feeling about it, because I already knew. Bethany being away from it all, even as a Grey Warden, was actually comforting.

"I wish Bethany could see our home now", mother sighed, standing in the living room and looking at the Amell crest above the fireplace.

"She will, eventually", I tried to console her. "The Wardens aren't the Circle. She's free to visit her family when her duty allows it."

"But she'll never be able to live here... She was looking forward to it so much."

I hugged her. "At least she's able to  _live,_ mom", I said humorlessly.

Mother snugged out of my embrace and looked at me with refreshed eyes. "You're right, darling." She caressed my cheek in her unique motherly way. "I've been hard on you in the past months, haven't I? I'm sorry, Ellen... I know you're trying your best."

Right when I became all gooey from her tenderness, I heard rhythmical knocking on the door and cheerful noises from the outside. The merry bunch has arrived. Ares released a set of happy barks and bolted towards the front door, eager to meet his favorite chew toys. 

 

Varric, Isabela and Merrill had arrived first. This was the first time that everyone came to my house, now that it was renovated and finally livable. 

"Awesome digs, Hawke!", Isabela cheered, looking around.

"Don't steal anything. If you want something, tell me." As I finished the sentence, I saw that she was about to stick an amethyst figurine into her ample bosom.

"Oh." She stopped halfway, looking sheepish. "So...can I have this?"

I chuckled. "Yeah... Although I don't understand your need to steal now. You have enough money to buy whatever you want."

She exasperated a heavy sigh and placed the figurine back in its place. "It's no fun if you  _let_ me steal it, you know. Spoilsport."

I got closer to her and assumed a private tone. "How's the relic thing going?"

She shook off, frowning. "Still nothing. But thank you, Hawke. If I get a wind of it, I'll let you know."

"Daisy, don't eat that!", I heard Varric shouting.

I turned and saw Merrill by the dining table; she was about to put a peanut in her mouth. She stopped and gave Varric a stumped look. "Why?"

"I figured out it's the thing that you're allergic to. Remember when you had that horrible rash that Blondie had busted himself trying to cure? That morning you ate peanuts at my place, and you said that you never ate 'em before."

Merrill looked at the peanut as if it was something vicious and placed it carefully back in the bowl. "Too bad", she sighed. "It was really tasty..."

 

Anders and Aveline arrived soon after, joining the crowd. Everyone seemed to feel content, chatting, snacking and drinking, finally relaxed after the whole Deep Roads mess.

Varric was still secretly depressed because of Bartrand's betrayal, and also angry. It took several drunk nights together, filled with swearing, singing, crying and smashing the inventory, only to get it all out of our systems to the point where we could function normally. Him and I were the parties who were damaged the most by the expedition in emotional sense, but in contrary to that we were loaded with coin more than others.

Varric had extended his business to all the branches that he could reach - and he could reach quite far, and also signed partnership with Corff over the Hanged Man. Isabela had actually bought a part of the tavern and made it her home. True enough, the tavern looked much better now, and the quality of drinks had significantly improved. The prices had remained the same, to the utmost joy of the regulars, and new guests started to pour in as well: guardsmen, some of Hightown residents, and even occasional templars. There were still fistfights going on, a slaughter here and there, but it was all rather expected of the place. I still indulged in going to my favorite tavern, especially since my friends had imprinted their unique mark there.

Varric had offered me a partnership in trading business, and I accepted only to the extent of trading in legal stuff; I was sick of Athenril's shady jobs and clashing with the Coterie and I persisted on going further on the straight and narrow. However, even though I was now a part of nobility, my reputation of a 'hero' has been caching up and I constantly received letters from the parties who requested rescuing someone. I still didn't respond to any of them because I was too busy with taking care of mother and rebuilding our home and our legal position in the city, though I knew that my ingrained dedication would prevail at some point. After all, it was better saving people in earnest than gossiping into oblivion with stuck-up nobles at their parties. Ugh. I could safely say that only viscount Dumar was worth talking to, and even _his_  backbone was soft. I wondered how this city had managed not to destroy itself so far...especially with the Qunari lounging in the Docks district for over a year now. If there weren't for Fenris, I probably wouldn't have been able to talk to the Arishok at first; the man was an unbeatable champion in stubbornness and giving vague answers.

As for the others, they didn't change much in their own right. Merrill was managing to get by in the Alienage, Varric and Isabela mostly taking care of her. Anders was still running his Darktown clinic, reestablishing it after the dust had settled from the templars' raid. Aveline was busy with organizing the City Guard, bringing in improvements and occasionally arguing with the viscount about the funds. At least it was obvious that the Guard was functioning far better now that she had extinguished any corruption in the ranks.

Fenris continued to be a loner, more or less. He didn't bother with getting his mansion in shape, only taking care of slight dysfunctions regarding his small living space. Work-wise, he only engaged in jobs that required mercenary and assassinating features. He just couldn't bring himself to do anything subtle, and I could only assume that he still had too much aggravation inside, which he could vent only by that specific type of action. We didn't talk much since the expedition, though he came to visit several times. Mother had pestered him with cookies and asking about Tevinter and Seheron, and I couldn't really discern if he was bothered by her open attitude or delighted. Whatever were the case, he still never refused her kindness. On the other hand, our friendship seemed to be stagnating, because he didn't open toward me again since that conversation before the expedition. Formal behavior was starting to worry me. Deep down I hoped that he needed this slow pace and plenty of space to get used to having a relatively normal life.

 

"Hey, isn't this from that Chantry prince guy?", I heard Isabela calling out from the study.

I rolled my eyes. She really couldn't help herself from snooping around and going through all my stuff, and right now she was probably elbow-deep in my documents and mail. I gestured to the others to follow, as I went to the study. Isabela was standing by the desk and holding the letter.

"I swear, I'll never let you come again", I sighed.

"You don't mean that, sweetie", she blew me a kiss. "Seriously though... Are you going to meet with him again?"

"What's this about?", Anders asked, frowning. Whenever someone said 'Chantry', he would furrow like an irritated cat.

"It's from Sebastian Vael", I said, taking the letter from Isabela's hand. "Remember that Chantry Brother who is actually a Starkhaven prince? He requested to meet me, and all of you, in fact. He found out who had sent the Flint Company to assassinate his family and he's asking for help again."

"Did he give a name?" Aveline asked, crossing her arms in a guardsman manner.

"Nope... But he did say that they're a part of Kirkwall nobility."

"Of course", she sighed out and frowned. 

"I want to help him. I believe he's a good guy. I wanted to ask you all as well, so...give me your opinions."

"Truthfully, Bianca was itching for action", Varric smirked.

"I'll follow you, Hawke", Merrill gave me her innocent smile. "I feel bad for not being there for you in the Deep Roads...and I want to help always from now on."

"Aww, Kitten", Isabela smiled. "Well, I can't have you tripping over your own shadow again. I'm in."

"I'm going as well", Aveline announced. "I want to see who this corrupted noble is."

Everyone focused on Anders in unison.

"All right", he scoffed. "He wasn't really a bad fellow after all... So far."

"You're a picture of kindness, Anders", I laughed.

"What about Fenris?", Aveline asked. "And where  _is_  he, by the way?"

"I have no idea", I shrugged, honestly wondering that myself. I looked through the window and into the dusk. "He was supposed to arrive hours ago."

"Not to mention that he lives literally across the street", Isabela pointed out.

"Are you guys...having problems?" Varric's brow rose.

"What...? No! What problems? What do you mean?"

Isabela had instantly burst into laughter. "Oh, haha, your blush is priceless!"

I opened my mouth. I closed my mouth. My face was burning. Isabela was holding onto the desk in a fit of laughter, while 'encouragingly' patting my back.

"Stop it or I'll murder you", I gritted out. "There's nothing going on, we're friends. Perfectly normal friends."

"Um, you did seem pretty close...  _Ellen",_ Anders said as his face twisted into suppressed laughter. 

I stared daggers at him. "Don't you dare."

Inwardly I was glad that Anders was able to joke about this issue. I've noticed that his jealous fits had ceased completely sometime before the departure to the Deep Roads. We never broached the subject, but I figured that he realized on his own how I felt about him...and also how I felt about Fenris. As did everyone else, apparently.  _Shit._

"Well, that  _is_ your name...", Varric scratched his head as he stretched a mocking grin. "I mean, even I didn't know it until Sparky started calling you Ellen while we were on the expedition."

"Really?", Merrill looked at me, honestly surprised. "I think it's lovely! Sounds kind and gentle, just like you."

I just couldn't bring myself to be spiteful at such a naive and pure attitude. I wanted to facepalm, badly.

"More like a  _pet_ name in Hawke's case", Isabela smirked.

" _I_  knew that her name is Ellen", Aveline suddenly said, right when I was about to smack Isabela senseless. Everyone looked at her pointedly. "Leandra told me", she shrugged. "I figured that Hawke doesn't really like her name so everyone calls her by her family name. If anyone knows how it feels, it's me."

Ah yes... Aveline's name issue; the unfortunate comparison to the Orlesian legend about a tragic hero. Bless her soul. I gave her a thanking smile and she smiled back.

"Are you implying that we should call you Vallen from now on?", Anders asked her dubiously.

"Nah", she frowned. "Sounds too manly."

"Nothing is too manly for you, big girl", Isabela slapped her shoulder.

"One of these days...", Aveline almost growled, narrowing her eyes at her.

"Okay, time out", I rose my hands. "Back to the dining room. And drinks.  _Lots_ of drinks."

 

Just when we were getting comfortable again in the dining room, I heard a few sharp knocks on the door. I shot up on my feet almost as fast as Ares and ran towards the main hall...and then stopped halfway and sped back to the dining room where everyone were giggling like crazy.

"Stop it!", I threatened with a raised finger, which made them cackle even more. "I mean it!" My threat sounded too much like a plea.

"Don't keep your boyfriend waiting", Anders mocked. "That short temper of his could be troublesome..."

"He's not...! Ooh, I'll get you for that", I hissed in his direction and rushed back to the main hall. I could only pray that they'll behave for the rest of the evening. I was able to endure their teasing, but I justifiably worried about Fenris's reaction to that. I didn't want him to distance himself from me. Not again. Not ever again.

 

Ares was already plastered over the front door, excitedly whining and trying to scratch through. I waved to Bodahn that I'll take care of it, and he just nodded and went back into the living room. He was there with Sandal, keeping company to mother, who decided to come to us only occasionally. Aveline adored my mom and kept most of her attention when she'd come to us in the dining room.

I fixed my clothes and my hair, ridiculously self-conscious, and then managed to move Ares from the door so I could open.

At first I could only see a huge wooden box in front of me. Ares was also puzzled by the picture, so he decided not to charge and stayed in place. Fenris's face peeked behind the box.

"Hello, Ellen", he smiled.

"Hey", I smiled back and made room for him to enter.

He went inside and placed the box on the floor in the hall, so effortlessly that I imagined that its size wasn't correspondent to its weight. When he straightened, Ares took that chance to jump on him, literally hugging Fenris by placing his front paws on Fenris's shoulders. Fenris laughed out in the midst of mabari's slobbering, unsuccessfully trying to defend himself.

"I hope you have a towel at ready", he managed, struggling with the whiny bunch of heavy canine love.

"Down, you idiot", I grabbed Ares and placed him back on all fours, which wasn't easy considering the dog's size. I fished in my pocket for a handkerchief, found it and gave it to Fenris.

"Thanks", he chuckled, wiping his face. "You should  _really_ stop doing that", he addressed Ares, who was now sitting and contently staring at Fenris, his tongue lolling out. The dog barked at him joyfully, which probably meant 'not a chance'.

"Really Ares, show some manners for once", I used a sharper tone that made him flatten his ears and whine apologetically. "Well, at least he's squeaky clean and didn't mess you up...too much", I laughed as Fenris was finishing the thorough wiping of his face.

"I never got to understand why he likes me so, but...it's not all that unpleasant", he stated. "...Except for  _this",_  he gestured with the handkerchief at the mabari, and Ares just grinned and rolled out his tongue again in response.

"Maybe he simply senses good people", I shrugged.

Fenris gave me a meaningful look and smiled ironically. "Both of you have a twisted sense of value...", he shook off.

"Oh, no you won't", I pointed a threatening finger at him.

"Fine, fine." He rose his hands in a halting gesture.

Suddenly, he offered me his hand, palm up. I accepted it on impulse, but instead of shaking my hand in a friendly manner, he lowered his face and kissed the back of my hand like a high-class gentleman, with much more grace than any of the nobles that I've met so far.

"Oh", was all I could pronounce, feeling bashful and completely out of my element, the insignia of Fenris's lips burning and tingling my skin as I snatched my hand away.

"You're a high lady now. Might as well get used to it."

I couldn't discern if his tone was encouraging or provoking. Either way, I chuckled, waving off. "I'm still the same old Hawke. It's just that my digs are better now", I waved towards the rest of the house.

"'Digs'?", he rose a brow.

"That's how Isabela had dubbed it."

"Don't let that foul sailors' language stick to you", he grinned.

"I'm afraid it's too late..."

His gaze suddenly trailed along my body quite openly. Shivers ran through me.

"You look lovely", he said unexpectedly directly.

I could only pray that my blush wasn't  _too_ obvious...as in glowing like a beacon. I was in my common house attire: a dark red blouse with Amell crest embroidery on the back, a wide belt which cinched my waist, a soft skirt that reached above knees, and soft boots that went halfway up the shins. It was nothing special, really...but nevertheless I felt like a goddess after  _his_  compliment. And to my surprise, Fenris was wearing a long black jacket with white embroidery on the edges, with a high collar, and black pants and even boots. The shape of the jacket had perfectly accented his athletic built.

"Thanks... And right back at you", I smiled playfully, returning the favor by ogling him. "I really like the new style."

"It's, um... Thank you." He seemed to be even worse than me with compliment reception. Something akin to a blush on his face spoke volumes about how he probably deliberately dressed up for this particular occasion.

"So what's in this menacing box?", I pointed to the thing in question, which was now the focus of Ares's attention, as he was sniffing around it suspiciously.

"That's...the reason I'm late, actually", he chuckled, sifting his fingers through his hair in the back.

 _Oh, don't do that to me, you nasty elf..._  Every time I focused on his fluffy white hair, I had an insane urge to run my fingers through it. It looked so alluring that I didn't even miss all that much the silky, long black mane that he used to have. I used to make small braids while he sat or reclined next to me, listening to his soft gravel as he spoke about anything. Now it was even more tantalizing, additionally from being untouchable. I wouldn't be able to make braids, but I'd sift through the soft locks and...

I realized that Fenris was looking at me questioningly.

"Ah... Sorry, what?", I said sheepishly, wanting to crawl into some hole and hide my stupid self.

"I was expecting the delivery of this artifact", he clarified, a grin dancing on his lips. "It's a gift."

I was honestly dumbfounded. I stared at the box as if it was about to eat me.

"You... For me??" My voice was nearly squeaky.

He gave me a warm smile which had melted me into a puddle. I suddenly didn't know what to do with my hands and my presence and everything. I was aware that I looked hopelessly stupid and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

"Well, are you going to open it?"

Happy for the distraction, I immediately began dismantling the lid of the box, which wasn't so hard considering that it was already unsealed. As I took off the lid, the sides of the box had fallen off as well. There was a strange sculpture, made of wood, or so I assumed at first glance. It was polished and partially painted in green and blue hues over the black base, carved in such a way that it reminded me of intertwined vines, which ended in flowery shapes in several places. I knelt down in front of it, tracing the smooth twining surfaces with my fingers.

"It's beautiful", I said honestly. "What is it?"

"It's a symbol of wisdom and prosperity in Seheron", Fenris responded in an educated tone. "Shamans carve it from ebony tree and paint it in a special ritual. This artifact is usually kept in the quarters of high chieftains."

I directed a bewildered look at him. "You ordered it from Seheron??"

He nodded.

Ares neared the artifact and sniffed it. And then he licked it.

"I suppose that's a good sign", Fenris said, chuckling.

I looked up at him. "I like it. Thank you, Fenris."

The look in his eyes in that moment was way better than any gift.

Seeking to distract myself from eventual blushing and Maker-forbid trying to reach for my dear guest and hug him, I gripped the sides of the artifact, determined to take it to my bedroom. To my utter surprise, it barely budged, and I heard Fenris laugh.

"Hold on, I'll carry it for you. Ebony is heavy."

I must admit that I've never felt so girly in my whole life. I've always been strong, but... Fenris picked up the artifact almost effortlessly and looked at me.

"Where to?"

_Sweet Maker, this man will be the death of me._

"I, uh... To my room", I pointed ahead, hiding the blush by walking in front of him.

We climbed up the stairs, to the level where bedrooms were. I opened the door to my room and instructed Fenris to place the artifact in the space between the desk and my bed. I turned on the lantern and looked it over, deciding that it's a perfect spot; I was already wondering what to do with that empty space anyway.

"So... Am I supposed to bring sacrifices to honor it or something?", I asked jokingly.

"A cup of wine or some flowers would be nice, occasionally", Fenris said bluntly.

I gave him a wide-eyed look. "Seriously?"

"Yes", he nodded. "Music as well. Things that signify beauty and life."

I was a bit stunned, looking over the artifact in the light of new information. "Well. Wine and flowers I can do, but... I haven't played lute in ages."

Fenris's brows shot up. "You play lute?"

"Not anymore."

I turned my eyes away from him, focusing on the artifact. Leto had taught me to play... And I hadn't touched the lute ever since he was taken away.

"That's a shame", I heard Fenris say. There was strange disappointment in his voice. 

"Perhaps I can bring myself to at least sing...", I sighed, thinking out loud.

"I'd like to hear that."

I re-focused on him. He was looking at me in an indescribable way. In my field of vision, everything around him seemed to fade away. Fenris and Leto had melted into one person, the one who stood before me, and I didn't know what to do.

Correction: I knewwhat I  _wanted_  to do, and that's to throw myself into his arms. Yet I couldn't. He was opening up to me again, but realistically viewed, this gesture was no more than giving a gift to a friend.

"Hey, lovebirds! Make out later, you have people down here!" I heard Isabela's sharp yell from downstairs and instantly cringed.

"By the Maker..." I facepalmed.

Fenris cleared out his throat, obviously uncomfortable, immediately denying me his warm, intense gaze.

 

There were inevitable provocative comments as we joined everyone in the dining room, but Fenris had deflected everything in such a proficient way that I didn't even have to bother being defensive. I have forsaken my gloomy thoughts, trying to engage in casual banters with my friends. I desperately needed to finally  _really_ relax.

 


	5. Tidal Crossfade

Bloody Bone Pit. That sleazy bastard Hubert was good for nothing but to be thrown into the very mine that he owned, but I could do nothing about it. Fereldan refugees desperately needed jobs and the mine provided, even though it was often fatal. I simply had to go and check on the miners; the last time I was there the place was crawling with dragon spawn, and a few days ago I got a wind of the information that the mine was _still_ running. Hubert had offered me partnership in the mine management back before the expedition, almost two years ago, and I refused of course, but I was still worried about the workers. I swore that after I checked on them, I'd return to Hubert and see if the proposal was still on, because poor people didn't have anyone protecting them from the potential danger. Where there were dragons, there are bound to be _more_ dragons.

And this was merely a relaxing trip on my part, in order to at least somewhat clear my head. Damnable zealots, insidiously led by that viper Mother Petrice, had created havoc in Lowtown a month ago, when some poor misguided elves stole saar qamek from the Qunari, believing that it was gaatlok. Saar qamek was actually a poisonous gas that drove mad everyone who inhaled it and turned allies against each other. Gaatlok, the exploding powder, was super-safely guarded by the Qunari of course. Things were about to boil over between the Chantry fanatics and the Qunari, and the viscount had quaintly placed _me_ in between to, oh I don't know, keep both sides at bay? Right. I was only postponing the inevitable fallout, at best.

Other than that, I was also neck-deep in all the other local problems, which were plentiful. For instance, I helped Anders eliminate a crazy templar Alric who had planned to turn every mage in the Free Marches tranquil. Grand Cleric Elthina had rejected the idea outright, and even Knight-commander Meredith did so, although I bet with a heavy heart. Regardless of their opinions, it was clear to me that the man was insane and needed to be stopped. I was still a neutral party in the mages-templars clash, but anyone could plainly see that Meredith was an obsessive type. The obvious example was the behavior of Alric, who was among the highest ranked templars in her service. Naturally, all that mess had drove Anders into Justice-mode more and more often and calming him down was all the harder.

I was beginning to think that everyone around me have gone batshit crazy. The guy from the Hanged Man who always talked to himself was lately constantly mumbling that 'it's the lyrium in the water', and I actually started to believe that something suspicious was going on in Kirkwall... Not the lyrium in the water of course, but it may have had something to do with that strange red lyrium which we have discovered in the Deep Roads. It made Anders hear voices, and Fenris was particularly aggressive when he was near it. I suspected that it was actually the thing that had infected Bethany with the Blight. And those 'profane', rock wraiths or whatever... None of that was normal, or known at all in any records about the Deep Roads. And it was all laying right beneath Kirkwall - vertically separated by a few miles of earth, but still. Even though Sebastian had insisted to stay in the Chantry, which was understandable regarding his righteous mindset, I began to think that he would have been better off in Starkhaven; no matter how much he hated all the sneering nobles and royal fuckups, he wouldn't have to deal with the mess here. Unfortunately, he had that one particular trait which we all shared in the team: stubbornness. Ah, well.

There was also the clusterfuck with Bartrand. After we found out that the lyrium idol was responsible for Bartrand's betrayal more directly than any of us could have possibly assumed, and thus for his consecutive irreversible madness, Varric had busted himself trying to find the one who had bought the damn thing. It being dangerous was an understatement at best. Now Bartrand was stationed in a private sanatorium away from Kirkwall, which was a good thing considering everything, but we were still left with a bitter taste in our mouths.

 

So there we were - Varric, Sebastian, Merrill, Fenris and I, trudging along the rocky side of Sundermount and towards the Bone Pit.

"Why are we going to the Bone Pit again, Hawke?", Merrill asked suddenly.

"To have a picnic with the miners, of course", I chirped back.

She was silent for some time.

"We should have brought food and drinks, then", she answered honestly, completely clueless as always.

"We'll roast a few dragons when we arrive, Daisy", Varric patted her shoulder. "I hear they're delicious."

"Your selflessness never fails to amaze me, Hawke", I heard Sebastian's praising voice.

"It's not really selflessness as much as common sense", I stopped and turned to him, huffing. "I wish I could just kill that fucktard Hubert."

"You're above that", he gave me a solemn look.

"Quiet", Fenris said suddenly, raising his hand in a stopping gesture, strangely tense and alert.

We all froze, following his vague gaze. I noticed his ears slightly moving, listening for something.

Several soldiers emerged from around the corner on the road ahead. Their armor was familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it...

"Hunters", Fenris growled out.

_That's it._ Every inch of my body instantly went aflame from rage. Also, I was looking to vent for some time now and I was about to blow over. I stepped in front of Fenris, shielding him on impulse.

"You!", one of the soldiers pointed at me. "Back away from the slave, and you won't get hurt!"

I snorted and half-turned to Fenris. "They'll never learn, will they?", I grinned viciously.

"Back away from the slave, now!", the blasted soldier repeated.

"I am not a slave!!!", Fenris shouted and simultaneously burst into lyrium glow, scything towards the soldiers with blinding speed and slashing through them before they could even react.

More soldiers, accompanied by mages, popped out of everywhere around us like daises from the snow. It would've been a critical situation if we weren't deliberately assembled for the supposed clash with _dragons._ Fenris and I had cut through enemy ranks with lightning speed, while Varric and Sebastian covered our backs shooting bolts and arrows, and Merrill's magic had literally rooted every single mage in place with magical vines, siphoning their mana and preventing them from casting any spell more powerful than a mere spark. We had dealt with all of them fairly quickly.

A mage who had enough luck - or misfortune - to stay alive tried to get up and escape, but then Fenris fiercely stopped him, flattening him to the ground on his stomach and nailing him down with his knee.

"Where is Danarius?", he gritted out.

"I didn't... Please--"

He smashed the mage's head on the rocky surface beneath, enough to make a point and still leave him conscious. 

"Where. Is. He?", Fenris repeated in an even more menacing tone.

"H-Hadriana b-b-brought us", the man stuttered out quickly, as the blood trickled across his face from the lacerated forehead. "Danarius had sent her to search for you... P-p-please, I beg you, let me go! I'll tell you where Hadriana is!"

"Tell me." Fenris's voice was ice.

"She's in the holding caves, not far from here. I can show you--"

"No need. I know which caves you speak of."

"Then...will you let me go--"

Fenris snapped the mage's neck. 

Honestly, I wasn't expecting less. Sebastian opened his mouth, probably to say something reprimanding, and I rose a halting hand in front of him and shook off pointedly. Sebastian gave me an alarming look, but still complied. Fenris was beckoning us and didn't see this, but even so, he was still glowing all over from leftover rage.

"Hadriana", Fenris spat the word as if it was bile.

And that wasn't far from the truth, for I knew very well who Hadriana was: the bitch who was once intent on separating Leto and me only out of sheer malice, among other things. Nevertheless, I had to play cool.

"Someone you know?", I tried for a calming tone.

"Danarius's apprentice", Fenris turned to me, his eyes enraged. "A slimy social climber who would sell her own children to slavery if it would make Danarius happy."

"Poor children", Merrill murmured in a small voice.

"Luckily, she doesn't have any", Fenris told her surprisingly amiably.

"Good, then", Varric said, placing the cocked Bianca on his shoulder. "I'd hate knowing we'd be making orphans."

"I believe the Bone Pit is cancelled for now", Sebastian straightened, giving Fenris an encouraging look.

"That goes without saying", I confirmed, nearing Fenris. He had somewhat calmed after our words, the glow from his markings subsiding. "Lead the way", I told him, trying for a warm smile.

He didn't smile back, but his eyes did show appreciation.

 

As we followed Fenris towards the caves, all I could hope for is that when meeting Hadriana, she wouldn't blow off my 'cover'. I prayed that she wouldn't even recognize me; my hair was long when she'd seen me last, I've been younger and less muscular, and I've been nowhere near wearing armor. Still, the dread from meeting her again had clenched my insides.

I was silent, but the others were asking Fenris about the caves that we were headed to, about Hadriana, deliberately keeping him focused. I've never seen him so furious before.

"When I was a slave, Hadriana was a torment", he talked as we climbed the mountain. "She would deny my meals, hound my sleep... She molested me just because she _could._ And I could do nothing to confront her...until now."

I felt my teeth gritting. He never spoke about his slavery, and I had no idea that Hadriana had continued to torture him even after the markings. I had hoped that being Danarius's bodyguard would at least provide some detachment from regular slave torture...but I was obviously wrong. I could only guess what else had he been forced to endure, and honestly, I was afraid to ask.

"The holding caves were once used to corral slaves that Danarius had briefly traded in", he continued. "They were cleared by the City Guard five years ago and abandoned ever since...or so I thought. Who knows how long had Hadriana been here."

"I've noticed you were particularly edgy for the past week or so", I stated.

"I..." He frowned even more. "Yes. I had..."

"...A bad feeling", I finished gently.

He only gave me a quick glance before focusing on the way ahead. I was able to discern some temporary levity in his expression.

 


	6. Tidal Crossfade II

The inside of the cave was built into rooms and corridors, a real hideout. From room to room, we engaged in fighting wraiths and demons, several mages and soldiers, and Varric and I were also plenty busy with dismantling numerous traps. Sebastian had commended the dead slaves to the Maker and Fenris had wordlessly appreciated it; they were all victims of blood magic. Judging by Merrill's expressions, I suspected that if she ever had even a speck of thought of returning to blood magic, she was definitely cut off from it now, permanently. She was horrified, to say the least, by the remains of rituals where innocent people were used as fuel for evil magic.

"This is what it _always_ leads to, Merrill", Fenris said to her coldly.

She rose her big, distressed eyes to him. "Never. I'd never do it. Never", she almost started whimpering.

"Quit molesting Daisy, Sparky", Varric interjected. "She has nothing to do with these monsters. Let's do what we came here for."

Fenris gave her one last hard look, obviously satisfied with her newly gained trauma, which he probably considered a valuable lesson. I couldn't really disagree, thinking about that foreboding mirror at her home, which had led her to blood magic in the first place.

 

In the next room that we entered, a blood mage was just about to cut a young elf girl, probably to fuel his power so he could face us. He didn't get the chance, however; Bianca was quicker than his blade and he fell backwards with the bolt stuck in his skull. Poor girl had cried out and crumbled to her knees, wracked with shakes.

Merrill and I ran to her and touched for injuries, finding that she was fortunately intact.

"Hey, it's all right now", I said gently to her, as I hugged her lithe, fragile body in my arms. 

Merrill petted her head, smiling encouragingly. "Aneth ara, little sister", she used her sweetest voice.

The girl seemed to break out of stressed stupor and bewilderingly looked at Merrill. "Hello", she finally spoke, the shakes waning.

Fenris crouched in front of her and she instantly cringed from him, pressing further into my arms.

"He won't hurt you, luv", I said calmly. "We're here to help."

"Are there more slaves who survived?" Fenris tried with all his might to soften the enraged gravel in his voice.

"I...I don't know... Mistress had cut papa, bled him... I don't understand! Mistress loved papa's soup... She must be very worried... She said that assassins were coming for her and she...needed more power."

Fenris stiffened all over, releasing a shaky breath.

"Don't blame yourself", I told him. "She'd do it anyway, sooner or later."

"Everything was fine until today!", the girl cried out.

"It wasn't", Fenris responded in a beaten tone. "You just didn't know better."

"Are you my masters now?", the girl looked at me and Fenris.

"No!", he held up his hands.

"But I can cook... I can clean!", she pleaded in earnest. "I'll do whatever you need! Just...please don't hurt me."

My heart broke for this poor creature, who was obviously born into slavery.

"Look, luv", I started carefully. "Calm down and answer a few of my questions. What's your name?"

"Orana."

"Pleased to meet you, Orana. My name is Hawke. How old are you?"

"Thirteen."

"Poor thing", Merrill whispered sorrowfully, petting the girl's silky hair.

"Alright, Orana. Can you hide behind that crate over there and be very, very quiet until we come for you? We won't be long. I'll take you with me and bring you to safety, I promise."

"You'll be my mistress?", she asked hopefully.

"No, no. I'll give you a job in my home. You'll cook and clean, but you'll be paid for it."

She seemed completely confused. "But...being a slave is all I've ever known..."

"You'll do fine. Don't worry. Now tell me just one more thing. Where exactly is Hadriana?"

She cringed again. "Are you going to hurt mistress?"

"Don't worry about it", I tried in my sweetest tone.

She looked me in the eyes pointedly, thinking. We were all holding our breaths.

"She's...through that door and down the hall, then left", she showed with her thin hand. I figured that she had finally realized the situation and her own place in it.

"Thank you, Orana." I caressed her cheek and straightened, bringing her on her feet as well. "Now, go behind the crate and wait for us. Okay?"

"Okay", she whispered and smiled, and then ran off as promised. 

I looked over her hiding place and decided that it's safely protected by the surrounding shadows.

 

As we went through the door that Orana had showed us, I heard Sebastian's voice.

"Hawke, are you sure that...such a young girl should be working?"

"I couldn't tell her outright that I'll adopt her, Sebastian", I huffed.

Fenris stopped and looked at me bewilderingly.

"What?" I outstretched my arms. "She's as innocent as a babe, and thoroughly traumatized to boot, I can't just give her to some orphanage. I'll take care of her until she comes of age and then she can do whatever she wants. At least _then_ she'll be able to tell right from wrong and have a normal sense of self."

His expression still didn't change. "You'd...really do that?", he barely managed.

"Yes", I said flat out, meaning it.

He inhaled deeply, without any further comment, and just continued down the hall. 

 

Hadriana was expecting us, of course.

The bitch was surrounded by demons and risen corpses so thickly that we had a tough time reaching her. My shoulder hurt like a son of a bitch from the punch of a mallet, swung by a hideous corpse. Fenris was unstoppable, though. Eventually he managed to cut into Hadriana's vulnerable space and severed her right hand that was holding a staff. She shrieked in agony, falling back and hitting the wall behind her as blood sprayed around from the stump of her arm. She crumbled to the ground and fortunately all the Fade creatures had ceased appearing after that, and the corpses had finally stopped moving altogether.

Fenris stood above her and raised his Lethendralis for the final blow.

"Stop!", she shouted, reaching out with her sound hand. "You do not want me dead!"

"There is only one person that I want dead more", he rasped.

"Your sister is alive! I'll tell you where she is!"

I froze. _Varania,_ resounded in my head. I hadn't known what's become of her after she had left Minrathous, though I hoped that she was alive and well. Hadriana knowing of Varania's whereabouts was a long shot at best.

Fenris slowly lowered Lethendralis down. I glanced at him, noticing the perplexed expression.

"What are you talking about?", he scowled at her.

Hadriana shot a glance at me, then returned her attention to Fenris's foreboding figure looming over her. "I assumed you already knew", she retorted to him.

_Oh Maker, I'm screwed._ I needed to get myself out of it, but nothing came to mind in that short span of several tense moments. 

"You could be bluffing", I heard myself directing to her.

Me talking to Hadriana was tricky and unwise, but I was ultimately too irritated by seeing her again, especially after everything that had happened to Fenris. Besides, I was also genuinely concerned if she indeed knew anything about Varania.

"I'm telling the truth", she focused her squinting, malicious eyes at me. "Tell him to back off and I'll give you information."

" _I'm_ the one you should beg", Fenris leaned over her, the glow of his markings intensifying.

"Give me your word that you'll let me go and I'll tell you about your sister", Hadriana was persistent.

"You have my word", he said flatly, securing Lethendralis in its hinges on his back.

"She's in Qarinus, serving under magister Ahriman."

I tried to keep the surprise out of my expression. Varania serving a magister?? After everything...?

"A servant... Not a slave?", Fenris inquired in a strangely calm voice.

"She's not a slave", Hadriana confirmed. There was certainty in her voice, but I didn't yet dare believe her claims.

Fenris stared into Hadriana's eyes for a long moment.

"I believe you", he said, moving away from her personal space.

And then he speared Hadriana's chest with his arm, his markings flaring. The crunching noise emanated from within her chest cavity, mingling with the woman's choking sounds.

Fenris straightened as Hadriana's lifeless body flopped on the floor. "We are done here", he said impassively as he passed me by on his way to the exit from the chamber, without even glimpsing in my direction.

Varric, Sebastian, Merrill and I had exchanged quick, concerned glances.

"Are you alright...?", I tried.

"No, I'm _not_ all right!", he turned sharply and paced back to me, fury etching his features. "Hadriana could've been deliberately sent by Danarius to taunt me with the mention of this... _sister!_ It's just another bait!"

"Yet you believed her." I persisted to remain calm.

"And what if I did? All that matters is that I finally got to crush that bitch's vicious heart. May she rot, and all the other mages with her!"

He was getting out of control and glowing all over again.

"We should leave, Fenris", I reached out to pet his shoulder.

He flinched from my touch, giving me a disgusted look. "Don't comfort me! You saw what these mages did here, Ellen! And you can't fathom what _I've_ seen so far, not to mention what I've experienced! Yet you're still willing to stay blind to their depravity!"

I glanced at Merrill and felt a sincere pang in my chest; she was standing behind Varric like a scared kid.

"After all, what does magic touch that it doesn't spoil?", Fenris finished on a severe note, staring me down.

That was simply _too much._ Our apostate companions aside, he very well knew that both my father and my sister were mages. I was sincerely hurt by his words.

In the next moment, his expression morphed from furious to ashamed. His glow receded and he stepped back, running his hand across his face. "I...need to go", he murmured in a beaten tone and quickly left.

 

We stood in silence for some time.

"That...didn't go so well", Sebastian sighed.

"No shit, Choir Boy", Varric said humorlessly. "Hawke..."

"Don't", I shook off.

"Is Fenris going to be all right?", Merrill asked quietly.

"Don't worry, Daisy", Varric smiled at her. "Sparky is just upset. He didn't mean all that."

Except he _did,_ though I refrained from saying it. Despite my pain and anger, I wasn't able to act upon it. Knowing that my cover remained intact, even when Hadriana had recognized me, was a pitiful comfort.

 


	7. Hearts of Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the LOOONG wait. I had clusterfucks in my life.

Mother accepted Orana better than I had anticipated. On the second day of the girl's stay in our home, Mother already took her shopping and even took upon herself to teach her to read and write. I knew that slaves weren't permitted to educate themselves more than it was necessary for their functions...which made me wonder about Fenris. I had taught him to read and write back when we were young teens, secretly of course, but I imagined that this knowledge was erased along with everything else. Orana was so amazed by our welcoming attitude that she was often confused, and sometimes even shed tears out of sheer happiness. I was aware that Mother had unconsciously tried to fill the void left by Carver's death and Bethany's departure by focusing on Orana; I've been feeling bad for Mother for a very long time and I was grateful for this new addition to our household. I couldn't keep Orana from cleaning and cooking though, and she insisted on helping Bodahn and Sandal in practically everything. It was amusing to see how attached she has become to Sandal, managing to understand him almost as well as Bodahn did. Her heart was so pure and good, and seeing it blossom made me wish to go back to that blasted cave and raise Hadriana so I could kill her again myself.

At least my secret was still safe...for all the good it did me.

I hadn't seen Fenris ever since the fallout. I went to his mansion every day but hadn't found him there. No one knew where he had disappeared to and I started to seriously worry. 

I wasn't mad at him, not even close. I spoke to Mother about what had happened and she tried to assure me that Fenris simply needed some time alone, that he'd come back and we'll straighten it all out. She had genuine motherly care and understanding for him, and that realization had made me even sadder.

I went over all of our conversations in my head as I lingered in my room, unwilling to do anything prosperous; all the problems of Kirkwall could have waited into oblivion, for all I cared. I even sang to Goofy, as I named the artefact that Fenris has given me. A part of it resembled a funny face with the tongue stuck out. I remembered how Fenris laughed when I showed it to him. I remembered how he played the lute and I sang along, sometimes just for us, and other times for the whole team when we'd get together to hang out. I remembered how Ares comfortingly snuggled in his lap as he spoke of Seheron and the Fog Warriors, whom he'd probably mourn forever. I remembered how he played Diamondback with Varric, discussed about the Maker with Sebastian, bantered with Isabela, grimaced at Merrill's clumsiness and made effort to get friendly with her, and how intense arguments between Anders and him were gradually taking a turn for constructive discussions. I remembered the warm feeling of having him in my life - again - and I missed it like crazy.

 

It's been two weeks already. Everyone visited occasionally, trying to get me out of the mansion and into some action. It was becoming preposterous, really, and I finally decided that I'm not some dejected love-struck maiden who'd stagnate just because her beloved was having a hard time dealing with...the memories of the worst part of his life.

_No. I’m not doing anyone a favour by being cooped up in my home. And we're not even lovers! We're just...friends..._

But I was already done with being depressed.

Aveline came that day to supposedly visit Leandra, but I knew that she was actually there to see me. I headed downstairs and greeted her with a smile, which had baffled her completely.

"I see you're back in shape", she smiled back.

"Oh, please", I waved off. "I just took some time off from all the mess in this city. How's the Qunari thing going?"

She gave me a meaningful 'you don't fool me' look, but still went along with it. 

Later I went out with her when she departed, and visited the barracks where her guardsmen had greeted me cheerfully. I even brought Ares with me, knowing that the guardsmen adored playing with him and soon the Guard mess hall had indeed turned into a mess.

As it was the closest, next I visited the Chantry. Sebastian had managed to lure me into a semi-confession, endeavouring to put a smile on my face. 'Have faith' and all that. I appreciated his good intentions but I hadn't reached any significant levity, what with holding back the history between Fenris and me.

After that I went to the Hanged Man, of course. Varric and Isabela had instantly grabbed me and gossiped a storm about all the stuff that I missed. Coincidentally, Anders and Merrill dropped by later and I stayed there with them until evening. Halfway through I inwardly swore never to neglect my friends again...even though I couldn't completely ignore the gaping hole in my chest.

 

I returned home feeling better from the attentions of my friends. I didn't know if I should have started preparing for the scenario that Fenris had left for good. I honestly didn't know what to think anymore. The only thing I knew was that I was truly, deeply tired.

I went through the hall and up the stairs, heading to my room. A curious idea came to mind - to try and play the lute. Trying to overcome the block caused by loss should be a good distraction.

"Darling, are you home?", I heard mother from downstairs as I entered my room.

"Yeah", I responded. "I'll be in my room if you need me."

I quickly changed into my night gown and sat on the floor by the bed. I refused to wear long, lady-like night gowns which are a part of noble etiquette; they were ridiculously difficult to sleep in, what with all the flounces and length and fluffy sleeves. My night gown was made of simple beige cotton, with a wide neckline and elbow-long sleeves and reached down to my knees, like a big shirt. My room was warmed up by the fireplace so I felt comfy. I took the lute that was leaned on the desk, right beside Goofy. Only Fenris used it so far... My fingers shivered as I tried to set them to play.

I heard a soft knock on the door. Mother surely wanted to check up on me after my eventful day, comparing to the previous two weeks of isolation.

"Come in, mom", I said, and the door opened. "Don't laugh", I grinned, focusing on the lute. "I'm trying to remember how to even hold it properly."

"And here I thought you were only the vocal part of the duo."

I turned sharply towards the door and saw Varric standing there.

"Hey", I said stupidly. Varric never visited in late hours and I instantly got worried. "Is something wrong?"

"If you mean Kirkwall in general, pretty much  _everything_ is wrong", he smirked sarcastically as he closed the door behind him. He approached and settled himself by my side on the floor. "But right now, I don't give a shit about that. I came to see you."

My heart warmed at this honest concern. However, I had a good day and I had no intention to think again of the wound which Varric clearly intended to poke.

"Aw, darlin', I'm flattered", I palmed my heart in fake bashfulness.

"It's the chest hair, isn't it?", he crooked a brow. "Sorry Hawke, but I'm spoken for."

"Tsk, Bianca is standing in my way again, isn't she?", I scrunched up my face sorrowfully.

"Yeah, but I believe a certain angsty elf has gotten all your attention, in fact."

I knew things had gone south when Varric was cutting down on jokes. I exhausted a heavy sigh and removed the lute from my lap, only to curl into a ball.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I know. But I've never seen you so messed up, not even when Sunshine was recruited to the Wardens. Your smile today looked like you've been constipated for two weeks."

"I'm shitting just fine, Varric", I said flatly.

"Actually, you're  _bull_ shitting, and right now it's just you and me here so I suggest you flush already."

A clench of jaw was my only response. Varric was my best friend and I wasn't able to just tell him to fuck off.

"Look, Hawke... I know you have feelings for Sparky. You do realize that his personality is as prickly as that freaky armor of his? Are you sure you want to get serious with this?"

"It's not that simple", I responded flatly.

"It's far from simple, which is why I'm worried about you. Sparky has nothing on his mind except lyrium-fisting Danarius's ass."

I grimaced. "Gee, thanks for that delightful image."

"You're welcome. What I'm trying to say is that his own pursuits are well above whatever he may feel for you. Everyone can see that there's some mutual stuff going on between the two of you, but I know you, and I know him enough to put two and two together and come up with five. You've been through a series of clusterfucks, my friend, and I'd hate to see you suffering another one, especially when you’re not forced to."

"It's not that simple."

"You already said that. Care to elaborate?"

I turned to my friend and looked into his concerned golden-brown eyes. All these years I've been carrying a burden which was getting heavier and heavier, and the need to relieve it at least a little was overwhelming. So overwhelming that my eyes started filling up before I even said anything.

"Promise me", I whispered through the constricted throat, "that you won't tell a soul about this."

"I promise, Hawke. You know that you can always count on me", he gripped my shoulder with his big, warm palm. "Now tell me who I have to kill to never see that expression on your face again. And if you say again that 'it's not that simple', Bianca will stick a bolt in Goofy. Accidentally, of course. You know how temperamental she gets sometimes."

"Yeah", I grinned and wiped at my eyes before tears managed to spill. I inhaled deeply and calmed myself enough to prevent further waterworks.

 

And then I told Varric everything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hawke's story of her past - the main digression of everything - is in the next chapter. Work in progress, shouldn't be long (I know I already said that before and that you don't trust me, but...it'll definitely happen ;) ).


End file.
